Death of the Jedi?

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It is dark outside, and the rain is lightly licking the window as it falls. I am watching Empire Strikes Back once more. It has been some time since I have added anything new to my blog. There is good reason, but I am going to give it a go.

I spent the last year fighting for my professional existence. It was a difficult path, and it was emotionally and physically exhausting. Somehow I made it through. I felt the power of the Force and inside felt a sense of accomplishment. As far as I was concerned, I was doing good and making positive change.

Then it happened. One day in October. My strength was dashed from me through an event that nearly crippled me emotionally. Immediately I was drained of all sense of positivity. Old demons flooded back to greet me, binding me and chaining me to the horror chamber of my past. It was dark. It is dark.

People who have not experienced trauma in their lives (and I am so happy for people who have not had to experience this) have a difficult time understanding those of us who have had traumatic events happen in our lives. We all experience sadness, anger, loss, and so on. But I mean extreme trauma – extreme violence, shaming, abuse, rape, and so on. As a survivor of rape and abuse I am always doing my best to be a functional and contributing citizen to society. I do my best to deal with my past so it does not negatively affect others. In fact, I am constantly doing my best to help others, and share my past as a way to help others heal. But when a person attacks me in my safe place, both physically and emotionally, real damage is done and the healing process begins all over again. I really think this is a form of PTSD.

I am at the point of the film where Luke enters the cave. This movie is making me think about the Force once more. “A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defence.” However, as Luke says, “There is something not right here.” There isn’t. Not here. Not in my head. You see I feel that the dark side is taking hold. I am at a crossroads of light and dark. The darkness is surrounding me.

I am doing my best to survive this. Today I was told that I may have to begin medication for this. That scares me too. I am trying not to spend my days in fear, in darkness. I am trying to stay on the path of the Jedi. But it is rest I need. I am burned out. I am weak. I am tired. A part of me does not want to fight anymore….

Yet, within the darkness, there is a spark of light. I can feel it. It is the rapid beating of my heart when I try to sleep. It is the nervous feeling in my stomach when I first wake up. It is the light. At my core I am light. I know this. I must take the time to realign the power within me, to focus on healing the damage done to me. I know I have to stand up for what is right, and to speak out once more. I promise I will. The path is never easy. It may seem as though I have given up. I have not. As Obi-Wan tells Vader in A New Hope “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” Guess what? In October I was struck down. In due course my power will return I yearn for it to do so. There is still much work to be done for the good and for the path of light.

It has been difficult for me to write this. I am still finding it difficult to write anything these days. I think a return to writing may help me get better. I am really hoping it will. Wounded as I am, I will fight this. I have to. I am worried about taking medication. My half-sister was abused at the same school I was at as a child. Her path took her immediately to the dark side. She has spent a lifetime running, easing her emotional pain with the addiction of drugs. I have seen what it can do. Now I am facing a choice – to accept the medication offered to me, to help ease the pain inside my head and in my heart, or to continue to work through this and grow the light inside. I worry about addiction. I worry that perhaps the prescription offered to me may provide me with a “quick fix” that will grow in hunger for more quick fixes. I want what is best for me, I do. But I am not sure if medication is the remedy. It may be. It may not be.

I feel so many things. I am conflicted now. I am unsure of my reasoning. I am unsure of my abilities. I am drifting and listing in doubt. I know my family loves me. I know that my mother – now in her eighties – continues to worry for her “little” boy. I want her to know I am going to be ok. It will be ok, won’t it? It may not be today or tomorrow, but one day I will be back with the Force as my ally. After all, I am still a Jedi, right?

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Unleashing the Jedi Within – The Story

Here is the paper that started it all….

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Unleashing the Jedi Within:

Reclaiming a Stolen Childhood Through the Power

of the Force

In May of 1977 I was invited to a friend’s birthday party at the local Odeon cinema to watch the film Smokey and the Bandit. However, a film playing in the next theatre caught my attention, and I remember going back and forth between the two.  Each time I returned to the birthday group I would find another excuse to leave and sneak back into the other cinema. I wasn’t aware, however, that the film I couldn’t tear myself away from was half an hour longer than the Bandit. I was engrossed watching the final battle when the birthday boy himself grabbed me by the collar and removed me from my seat. He and his parents, who had driven us all to the theatre, had been looking for me. It wasn’t long before I…

View original post 7,162 more words

Dear Graham James: All Lives Matter! or: Remember the Victims of Abuse Too.

The episodes of rape, sexual, mental, emotional and physical abuse are events permanently burned into my memory. I don’t go for more than a few days without mental images of my abusers popping into my head. That is not to say that I am not a functioning member of society. I am. I am a survivor, as you know, of abuse. The abuse happened when I was very young and continues to affect my day-to-day interactions. Though I am on the path of healing and forgiveness, there are some things that continue to baffle me when it comes to dealing with convicted sex offenders. In Canada, it seems our legal system does not want to take severe action with those who perpetrate sexual abuse. We must focus on the rehabilitation of the offender. We must address their needs and wants. We must make sure that they will not offend again and re-introduce them to society. This all sounds wonderful in theory – and those who have never been abused applaud our forward and progressive way of thinking when dealing with abusers. But what about the victims of abuse? What happens to them? There are very few services that cater to sexual abuse victims in Canada, and it is near impossible for victims to feel safe when stepping forward to speak out against their perpetrators. In Canada it seems that sexual abuse is a subject best whispered about behind closed doors, and better off to be forgotten altogether. When victims do have the courage to come forward they are scrutinized for their memory of the abuse – inconsistencies in their accounts are obvious holes in the truth and claims are tossed aside, or given little to no weight in sentencing.

This leads to the question about the time served for abuse. Sex offender Graham James is seeking full parole for his crimes against innocent children. He is serving a seven year sentence and has day parole. He is renting an apartment and now wishes to live in the community with the support of his family and his support workers.

James was a hockey coach and abused players who went on to be NHL pros including Sheldon Kennedy. Graham James is applauded for “showing insight into the damage he has caused.”

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/graham-james-seeks-parole-1.3691965

Kennedy feels the punishment on James is minimal and too light. I agree with him. Unless you have experienced abuse as a child, it is too easy to over-look the impact abuse has upon us.

While I support healing and therapy, I firmly believe that people who have a history of abusing children on multiple occasions must be closely monitored and held accountable for their actions. Five seconds of personal gratification while raping a child leaves a lifelong scar upon that young soul. A scar that keeps hurting and making the child feel as though they are the ones in the wrong for what happened to them – not honouring their lives makes them see that the judicial system places more worth on the abuser than the abused. This must change. While it is important to see and support the healing of the abuser, it is also very important to support the healing of those who were the victims of abuse. They are often the forgotten ones – and when a light sentence of seven years is not even fully served, it feels like another slap in the face of those who are victims of abuse.

Children matter. Children are the future, and an abused child never forgets the injustices that happened to them. With healing and support the victim can be a survivor and grow – but when ignored and forgotten, they can easily remain lost.

While we continue to grow and develop as a society, let’s make sure that there is an equal place for hearing everyone – no matter of race, orientation, victim or abuser. Yes, we all matter – let’s just remember that the victims and survivors count too.

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Abuser Graham James – so bold to abuse several children, yet too afraid to show his face in public.

 

No really does mean NO….

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Perhaps the most difficult word for me (as an abuse survivor) is “NO”. We know what that word means when we hear it. There was a campaign years ago that encouraged people to respect the word NO. The slogan read “No means No”. Simple and easy to understand, right? Not so much.

My childhood was stolen away from me at the hands of pedophile priests and abusive adults charged with my care in school. When I was not being raped, fondled, beaten or locked in closets, I was trying to tread lightly ever hopeful that what had just happened was the last time. The “last time” went on for almost five years of my early education. When I was finally out of that school the next several years would involve me learning to establish boundaries. “No” was not a word that held power. The other day I recalled one event involving the principal of the school forcing my little body over the pummel horse in the auditorium stage of the school, his breath reeking of stale coffee and rancid cucumbers as he pinned me down from behind. Hot tears ran down my cheeks as I cried out “no, no, no, no no….” over and over – he punched me in the back of the head, grabbed my hair and forced my face down into the vinyl padding of the pummel horse, muffling my feeble cries for help. “NO” was ineffective and simply saying that word inflicted more pain and abuse on my young soul and body.

As the years and the abuse passed, my own personal boundaries were fragile negotiating grounds – having been easily annexed by my childhood abusers. I wanted strong boundaries, believe me – but the act of saying NO and holding to it was, and still is, a difficult choice for me. This probably seems so simple to many who will read this. However, it is difficult. Conflict is something I have tried again and again to stay away from. Resistance to pressure resulted to unimaginable acts of abuse against me as a child. Even though I am a fairly strong adult now, there is a fragile child within this body who is terrified at attracting attention to himself. I often feel that when I give in to someone’s will after initially saying no, that child inside has been ignored and devalued. It is so important for those who have not been abused to respect people’s choices when they say NO. Here is an example from my experience of compromising my boundaries:

Person A: “It’s a nice day. Let’s go for a walk”

Seems relatively simple. It’s an honest suggestion.

Me: “You know what, I don’t really feel like it today.

My answer to this question is a little weak as my boundaries are fragile.

Person A: “Why not?

Okay, now I am starting to feel a little bit on the defensive.

Me: “I’d rather not go.”

Person A: “Come on! It will be good to go.”

Me: “No. I don’t want to.”

I am now starting to feel backed into a corner.

Person A: “Why not?”

Me: “I said I don’t want to.”

Here I am trying to hold my ground – shaky as it is. Now I am just wanting to hold steadfast to protect my inner child.

Person A: “Give a good reason.”

Now I am back to feeling as if I am back to being told I am a bad person if I don’t let the other person get their way.

Me: “I said no.”

That should really be the end of it – now I am getting a flood of emotions including fear, anger, shame, hatred and so on. It is not logical, it’s just how the abuse survivor’s mind is working.

Person A: “Give me a good reason and I’ll let it go.”

Yeah, right. Now I am just wanting this to end. What was once perhaps a nice day has turned to an inner feeling that I am now a bad person who has to let the other person have their way and my fragile boundary is shattered once more. This is the point where I will likely just go along with the other person. It won’t be a nice walk for me as I will be feeling resentful and ashamed of myself for giving in and not honouring what I wanted to do in the first place. This may make sense to you or you may not understand what I am trying to say here. It is just an example of one of many ways my self-worth gets eroded when NO is not heard.

All I would like in situations like the above that I have described, is to be heard. Chances are I would love to walk with you, I would love to do things, but when I am put in a position when I give an answer and the answer is not the one that you wanted me to say, please let it end there. Another time perhaps. Please don’t question my boundaries. Here is another example:

Person B: “These are great. Have one.”

Me: “I’m sure they are, but no thank you.”

Person B: “Why not?”

Now I am feeling bad that I may have done something wrong. But I have developed a food addiction as the result of being abused as a child and food was a comfort when alone consoling myself.

Me: “I don’t want any.”

Person B: “Try them. Come on.”

Here we go again.

Me: “Okay fine.”

Sure, I’ll take one – then when person B goes away I will shame eat the rest away. And so the boundaries are easily destroyed once more.

I know I write a lot about survivors and abuse. Believe me, I have come a long way in my healing. I write these in hopes of shedding light for those of you fortunate enough to not have been abused, yet who may know people who have been. If you were abused, I write these posts to ease your mind in knowing that you are not alone, and that there is no time line to “be better”. I take my healing one step at a time, and sometimes it feels like I am walking backwards. My boundaries continue to strengthen, but are at times renegotiated or challenged. I guess what I am attempting to write here is the importance of NO. There are times when NO really does mean NO, you know?

Shame, Art, Elvina Ibru and the Resurrection of Creativity Within

When I was being abused, I took out my anger and frustration through my drawings – primarily using the colors red and black. Art became my escape and my early drawings demonstrated the rage and fear burning inside me like a never ending fire of burning tires.

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As I grew older I started to focus on different characters, and found a form of relaxation when drawing and creating something new. Drawing seemed to calm me. My subjects were usually cute animals or science fiction characters. In grade 5 I created what I thought was a very good drawing of the Starship Enterprise. By grade 7 I was very proud of my Boba Fett rendition. I started to think that perhaps drawing was going to be something I would do professionally. There was something exhilarating about picking up a pencil, sharpening it and putting it to the crisp white paper in my sketchbook. Sometimes I knew where my drawing was going to take me, but often I let the pencil wander on the page, and it created some magical things. Minutes and hours passed quickly when I escaped into my imagination. Errors or imperfections did not matter. What did matter was that I was taking time to be with me, and that calmed me and gave me a sense of control and power that I had not been able to attain when I was enduring the years of abuse at the private school. I loved creating images from my imagination and from my favourite shows. Drawing and creating made me happy.

When I entered high school I developed some characters that eventually became regulars in the school newsletter. I created a polar bear character that represented the mascot of the school, since the school’s team was named the Polars. My best friend and I drew characters together and we enjoyed sharing our own versions of comics we created. We talked about companies we could create together and storylines we could collaborate on. My high school life was starting to feel pretty good and I was starting to feel somewhat good about myself. My art was important to me.

Then I became sick.

I won’t go into details about my illness, but I missed over a month of school recovering. Upon my return to school I learned that my services for the school newsletter were no longer required. In my absence the artwork was taken over by my best friend. His new character, a koala bear replaced my whimsical polar bear. His bear was more developed and, to be honest, it was drawn with more care and attention to my bear. The bear, and other characters he drew, were much better received by all of our friends. His drawings were way more professional and he was more talented than I. The vice principal loved his work and called me into his office to tell me that I was no longer needed to provide artwork for the school. My best friend had filled in for me during my illness, and his work won over the school and teacher population. What made it hard for me is that I had to agree. He worried that I was going to be mad, and I assured him that I didn’t care. I did.

I never told him how betrayed I felt. I know he did not intend for things to happen the way they did. I was a teenager and it was difficult for me to rise above the petty jealousy I felt towards him. He had it all together. I felt very much like Salieri to his Mozart. I remember taking my drawings and burning them in my fireplace. I hated my feeble attempts at art. I did not see the good, nor the progress of my art, but instead only could see the scribbling of failure and mediocrity. Years of my childhood concentration and imagination were destroyed within seconds of my succumbing to my petty jealousies and feelings of inferiority. I was still emotionally bleeding from the years of abuse, but my cries for help and for want of love and acceptance were often in silence and carefully let out when I knew there was no chance of being rescued. It would be years before I picked up a pencil to draw again.

The resurrection of my artistic endeavours came almost five years later. I took a sketchbook with me to England when I started studying there. It remained untouched for almost a year. When I finally did open it to draw it was when I felt an urge to create something. We were working on Guys and Dolls, and I was playing Sky Masterson. My love interest was another student – Elvina Ibru. I am writing her name here because of who I later found out she was. It turns out (and you can Google her) Elvina is literally the Princess of Nigeria. She and I were friends at drama school, and she was an incredibly funny and wonderful friend during my time in England. Anyway, she played Sarah Brown. It was an honour for me to sing with her. One night as I sat in my flat on Radipole Road I saw my sketchbook and drew for the first time in six years. I did not even start to draw on the first page, but rather somewhere in the middle of the book in case anyone was to look at it. The drawing was my imagination of how Sky Masterson should have looked in the show. I looked nothing like the character I drew, but as my pencil found its way around the page, my visualization of the character slowly came out. It is far from a professional drawing, but I am adding it here so you can see what happened after six years of drawing dormancy:

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This drawing would remain safely hidden among the blank pages, never to be seen – until now. Over the years I would draw when I felt like it. My drawings are far from professional, and I do not draw with the same desire to be an artist as I once did. My drawings are often imitations of pictures I see that interest me – I am a copycat artist I guess. I still use the same sketchbook I used in England, and draw so little that there are many pages yet untouched. Slowly, I am getting back on the drawing horse, so to speak. I was recently happy with my attempts at drawing (copying the art of James Hance) a rendition of Winnie the Pooh as Star Wars Characters. I thought my imitation was not bad and so I posted it:

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Not bad – not good, but still not embarrassing as I thought it may be. A friend asked me to draw Kanga as a Tauntaun – well actually asked me to please not do so. I felt something in my stomach. It was that churning that happens when you find yourself on the end of a high-diving board and you look over the edge to the water far below. It’s a big drop, and though you are scared you feel the spark deep within taunting you to just do it. A sensation of fear and excitement culminate until you breathe in and give in to the feeling. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s how that challenge felt to me. I sat down with my pencil and paper – this time creating something new – not a copy of another artist, but my own interpretation. It was a wonderful, exhilarating and frightening experience. But I did it – I created something new. It has been years since I felt this way drawing something of my own. I mean, it was a combination of two previously existing creatures, but the formation and the setting were all mine. It is not a professional drawing, but it is mine – and I am happy to create again. I am not going to run out and start shopping for artist work, but there is a part of me that has once again awakened – an awakening of the artistic force inside of me.

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And now I think back to my friend from so many years ago. He never knew how I truly felt back then, nor how much drawing once had meant to me. As we no longer are in touch, I know he will never know. My anger and resentment towards him all those years ago are just more scars as I continue to heal from the past. Too many years have come between us, but I now accept responsibility for my feelings and my anger all those years ago. He knew nothing of the dark secret that was once inside me, and only now as I heal, do I realize how much power we give to our fear and to our insecurities.

Once again through healing has another door re-opened inside me. Once again I find myself doing an activity that calms me, excites me and challenges my imagination. I may not be a pro, but I am loving what I do for fun. My soul is learning to sing and I am excited for the continued journey of the Jedi within me is taking. Slow and steady I am learning to be one with the Force. The Force is love and May the Force be With You.

Twenty Minutes of Abuse = No Big Deal, or How My Maxim Will Stand For All…

Recently in the news there was a story about a rapist – an ex-Stanford swimmer who raped an unconscious woman in an alley and was sentenced to a six-month jail sentence and three years of probation. The man was twenty years old at the time of the attack and his father feels that the sentence was inappropriate to the crime.

I agree with this.

I don’t agree with the father. I agree that the sentence is inappropriate. I would have hoped for a stronger sentence. Sex offenders are often given too light of a sentence, and this particular case disgusts me – well, they all do, but this one especially.

Here is a link to the story in case you have not heard about it:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/trending/stanford-swimmer-brock-turner-sexual-assault-father-reacts-1.3618571

The thinks that really upsets me (all of it does) is the quote from his father about him being punished “….a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action….”

20 minutes of action. The father equates the crime to a time period. This man raped an unconscious defenceless person. He committed a crime. The unconscious person could not defend herself. Are we to believe that her inability to fight off her attacker is now seen as consent? Disgusting.

When I was raped as a child I did not consent. However, some would argue that by allowing sexual acts to happen to me as a child was consent and that I should “let it go”.

I am sad that we live in a society that attaches small sentences to horrific crimes. Sexual assault affects the victim for life. What services are truly available to victims of sexual assault? Very few. After several months of therapy and getting up the courage to report the crimes against me to the police, I was turned away as the RCMP where I went to report the crime stated I had to report it to the town where the abuse happened. The officer at the desk then excused herself to remove herself from the awkward situation of having to deal with a 6’4″ crying man attempting to report sex crimes against him. I was with my therapist – a wonderful woman who supported me wholly. She was there for me. When I tried to report the crime to the RCMP in Hopeless, they dismissed it as not necessary to report as it happened “too long ago.” Each of these rejections was another step backwards in getting my strength back. It was hard, and I wish I could go back in time to stand my ground more fervently than I did. I was quiet, shaken and uncomfortable. I felt that there were a thousand spies from the Catholic Church plotting to kill me and prevent me from sharing my story. I became paranoid for a while. Everywhere I went I felt as though people could see a mark on my body that identified me as a victim of sex abuse, and a person therefore unworthy of justice. Of course this is not the case, and it wasn’t then. I find that people are uncomfortable with things they don’t want to hear. We live in a world where we want to be comfortable and not have to deal with uncomfortable topics. People will get angry and stand up for their right to have their daily coffee made to their specific tastes, and have no trouble berating the barista who makes the mistake to not get their “half-caf, 180 degree mocha with two pumps of hazelnut and one pump of vanilla in a grande cup with a dry foam mist and a pinch of non-fat coconut puree.” But try and discuss the imbalance within the justice system that victims of sexual assault have to face, and you are at times met with blank stares and the wonderful retort “get over it.”

I remember things. I remember the injustices that people face. I empathize with other victims of assault. It doesn’t matter if an assault was “only 20 minutes” or if it dragged on for a period of days, months or even years. Any assault, any rape or attack is too much no matter how long it lasted. Do murderers get sentenced based on how long it took them to kill?

I made a pledge to myself that I would continue to speak out for victims of abuse. My maxim, “MAXIMA DEBETEUR PUERO REVERENTIA”, is my truth. We owe the greatest respect to the child. Stories about abuse are not popular with the mainstream press. People don’t like reading about abuse – but until there are no more assaults, until people stop abusing each other, then I will never cease speaking out. I am a JEDI and my path is justice for all victims. However, what I have found over time is often that “Probitas Laudatur et alge.” I hope that this will change, and that we can continue to learn to hear the true impact sex abuse has on victims regardless of the length of time they were abused.