I am one with the Force, the Force is with me…..
I have been silent for months now. Inside, however, I am bursting with the need to speak, to create, to write. I have tried many times to write something coherent. Often I stop and press delete – erasing my painful attempts to share. I have made a decision to not delete what I write now, and I hope I will carry on and post what I write. This will take me a lot of time to share my thoughts coherently as I cannot stay focused for long anymore without anxiety rushing to visit me. So be advised that this, like my healing, will take time.
Time is (or can be) a great healer. It can also bring isolation and depression. It can lead us to our new beginnings or it can take us to the edge of the abyss. Sometimes it feels as though it can do both simultaneously. Here’s what’s been happening. Buckle in for this ride.
Jealousy is an evil and caustic emotion. We all go to that place of loathing, fearing, and resentment. Sometimes we can feel when it is directed at us – when we are being targeted by the ill thoughts of others. I have had several months to reflect on the spells, jealousies and ill – will that has been directed towards me. But for what? For security and for money, unfortunately.
I am one with the Force, the Force is with me…..
You see, as a survivor of abuse I could take several paths that would lead to my salvation or my destruction. After surviving the horrors of abuse at such a young age, I overcompensated by keeping to myself. My energy was focused into learning. I learned about history – a place I could be that existed in any time except the time I currently reside in. As a result I eventually attained the highest degree – a PhD. This was never my goal, or a plan in my life. In fact, coming from the small northern town where I was abused, it’s a wonder I even grauduated. But I did. And I left. And I traveled. And I immersed myself into other countries customs and ideas. I returned to Canada and tried to ignore the resentment from other “friends” who envied my adventures. And I had many wonderful, scary, beautiful and terrifying adventures. I lost friends as a result of being able to achieve my ambitions. People said I was privileged, that I was spoiled. I say no to them. I was determined to make things happen. I am proud that I have been able to attain levels of success in life despite my abuse as a child. The Force is my ally. I believe in it and it is no different than believing that a grey-haired god sits on a throne above us and watches us. We all have our beliefs and they should all be respected. But I digress.
Some of my childhood “friends” didn’t think I was aware of their comments about me – but I could feel their anger and resentment because I was not afraid to live. I didn’t let them get to me – at that time the Force was strong with me and it protected me. But over time, even the strongest of Jedi get worn down. Eventually the words and dark thoughts do break through our protective Force-bubbles.
I was an instructor. I was an instructor because I believe that “Maxima debeteur puero reverentia” – it is to the children whom we owe the greatest respect. I was an instructor because I believed I owed the future generation gifts of my experience. I wanted to let my students know they had gifts to offer the world. I wanted them to learn to harness their internal powers and let the Force be their guide. I wanted to let them know I cared for them. I loved teaching. It was something that came to me easily. I was not an instructor because I had “failed” in my vocation. I was not an instructor because I could not face the “real world”. I was an instructor because I wanted to prepare my students for the trials and tribulations that the real world had to offer, and I believed then (and to this day) that the world needs more magic. With my students I created magic. It was effortless for me to bring out the best in my students. I respected them and in turn they respected me. I know they did because I could feel that positive energy surrounding me.
But the dark times, they came. Brought on by the insecurities of others.
Superiors to me (longer employed instructors) resented my seemingly easy approach to my students. To them, education was something that had to be difficult, tedious, and full of rejection. They fed on student’s insecurities and aimed to break the weak. I remember meetings of my peers where they made fun of the current state of the future generation. I was there when they felt that today’s children were weak and needed to be treated harshly. They felt that acting students needed to be “broken” down and brought back up. They didn’t listen to the issues the students had. They believed in forcing students to do what they were told. They were the Dark Powers. Of course this was not every instructor – only a very few – but a few who loved being the loudest voices. Other instructors feared standing up to them because they were confrontational. I tried to not let them get to me. But I could feel their jealousies towards me because I was seen as a threat, for I was a PhD. At first their evil vibrations were unable to get to me because I was operating at a higher frequency. But their powers continued to grow and wear me down. Eventually I had to stand up to the first of them. At first my stance was seen as a joke, but once my voice was heard very clearly, that first dark power left the university and it felt, for a short time, that love and positive intention was to be regained.
Shortly after taking on a new role with more responsibility I was approached by another dark power. All that I had stood up for and fought for was dashed from me in seconds. Decades of healing from abuse were shattered from a confrontation I was not expecting. Some may think I was a snowflake, but that is far from the case. I left the campus that morning – turning my attention once more back to me, and not to others. The confrontation that morning stripped back the years to when I was a small child abused. I was shattered. I was alone. I was returning to being a victim.
My ally is the Force.
My doctor, my therapist and my family have been my shelter and my source of positivity. Through their love, guidance and support I have been able to start towards the path of light once more. Slowly I am regaining my power. I am slowly returning to being a warrior. Note the word SLOWLY.
To this day I cannot be in public for long amounts of time. I still look behind me in public. I still feel vulnerable. I shy away from being with others and still prefer to remain alone. For the first time in my life I am on long term medication to keep me from slipping deep into the darkness. I am still fragile. I am, however, one with the Force.
The Dark Powers will never go away. But finding a way to keep their energy from affecting me is my goal. I no longer audition. I no longer can tolerate large groups. Slowly I am trying to change that. I am trying to let myself enjoy the gifts I have to share with others. I am slowly feeling that I can one day share my gifts with future students. But as I wrote before, it is slowly.
I will not forget the evil done to me by some of my peers. However, I will forgive them. I will forgive them because they are not even aware how caustic they are. They are on their own paths of hate and destruction. They exist – but not in the compassionate reality of love and light. I do hope that they will not continue to harm the energies and ambitions of the students they encounter. I have other peers that teach in the light – and I look forward to the day I can stand with them once more. But I will not stand any longer for those who teach in the dark. Slowly I have been re-learning to stand up to the dark side. I am learning to deflect the negative energies I encounter. I will re-learn to share with my peers and students. But it takes time.
Until that time comes, I am not going to feel remorse or guilt. I am not going to feed on my insecurities that I am not worthy. I am going to remain in hibernation until I am ready to wake from the winter of my solitude. But know this, I will once more wake with the positive energy to continue to share the gifts I was blessed with. For the Force is my ally. I look forward to standing up and being seen. I will never let what happened to me months ago happen to me again for the Force is with me and I am one with the Force.